• From “Accounting for Lawyers”:
Jeff wants to convince Shirley not to sue the woman who slept with her husband.
Jeff: Shirley, don’t sue a stripper.
Shirley: Why not?
Jeff: She’s a stripper. Life sued her, and she lost.
• From “The Psychology of Letting Go”:
Pierce attempts to explain his strange religion.
Pierce: Reformed Neo-Buddhism is not a cult! It is a new way of looking at the world, emphasizing empowerment.
Troy: Like a video game?
Pierce: Yes, Troy. Very much like a video game. You gain levels, and at a certain point, you actually can eat a ghost.
Troy: What? I wanna eat a ghost!
• From “Messianic Myths and Ancient Peoples”:
Shirley tries to convince Abed to make an online video for her church.
Shirley: Abed, would you like to make a Christian YouTube? I know you’re Muslim, but --
Abed: As a Muslim, I’d be happy to do it. As a filmmaker, no way. I’m a storyteller, not a preacher.
Shirley: The Bible has been called the greatest story ever told.
Abed: Ben Lyons said the same thing about I Am Legend.
• From “Epidemiology”:
Troy must save the school from a zombie infestation.
Abed: Troy, make me proud. Be the first black man to make it to the end.
• From “Cooperative Calligraphy”:
Troy offers an explanation for what might have happened to Annie’s missing pen.
Troy: Sometimes I think I lost something really important to me, and it turns out I already ate it.
• From “Asian Population Studies”:
Annie describes the new guy she’s dating.
Jeff: How old is he again?
Annie: Thirtysomething, I’m assuming. He has a landline and uses the word album.
• From “Celebrity Pharmacology”:
Chang tries to get Shirley to acknowledge him.
Chang: Are you ignoring me because I’m Korean?
Shirley: You’re Chinese.
Chang: Oh, there’s a difference?
• From “Advanced Dungeons & Dragons”:
Troy is fed up with Britta.
Troy: You’re the AT&T of people.
• From “Early 21st Century Romanticism”:
Librarian Mariah tells Troy why she doesn’t want to date Abed.
Mariah: Troy, I would love to be his friend ...
Troy: I know you would, it’s incredible!
• From “Intermediate Documentary Filmmaking”:
Jeff insists on seeing Pierce at the hospital.
Jeff: You know what? No. He’ll see Jeff next.
Nurse: No, but you’re not supposed to go --
Jeff: Or what? You’ll do twice as much work as a doctor for half the pay?
Nurse: Thank you?
Britta: It’s called a complisult, part compliment, part insult. He invented them. I coined the term. See what I just did there? That was an explanabrag.
• From “Intro to Political Science”:
Troy and Abed discuss a fellow student.
Abed: Garrett.
Troy: That guy’s just a mess. It’s like God spilled a person.
• From “Competitive Wine Tasting”:
Abed explains why Troy’s fake molestation story has caught Britta’s attention.
Abed: Britta is attracted to men in pain. It helps her pretend to be mentally healthy.
Troy: Really? I hadn’t noticed.
• From “A Fistful of Paintballs”:
Abed wonders where a suspiciously good paintball player came from.
Abed: Does that guy even go to this school? He’s really good-looking. I mean network-TV good-looking.
• From “For a Few Paintballs More”:
Troy explains that the paintball game has been rigged.
Troy: Something’s not right about the game. We just took out a guy who turned out to be a professional paintball assassin.
Dean Pelton: A professional? That doesn’t make sense. Why would someone who gets paid to do things be at Greendale?
