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Best 'How I Met Your Mother' Quotes

Funniest Lines From the Sitcom 'How I Met Your Mother'

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How I Met Your Mother
Photo courtesy of CBS
Supremely confident womanizer Barney Stinson (Neil Patrick Harris) may say more outrageous things than his fellow cast members on the CBS sitcom How I Met Your Mother, but the show is still packed with quotable lines from all of the show’s young New Yorkers. Here’s a look at the best How I Met Your Mother quotes.

From “Pilot” (Season 1):
In 2030, the Ted of the future is having a talk with his kids.
Future Ted: Kids, I’m going to tell you an incredible story: the story of how I met your mother.
Ted’s Son: Are we being punished or something?

From “The Duel” (Season 1):
Marshall accidentally stabs Lily with a sword during a fight between him and Ted.
Lily: On Monday I’m going to have to tell my kindergarten class, who I tell not to run with scissors, how my fiancé ran me through with a freakin’ broadsword!
Marshall: Technically, it didn’t go all the way through.
Lily: I’m sorry, were we having a discussion about the degree to which you stabbed me?

From “Brunch” (Season 2):
Robin is feeling defensive about her value as a potential spouse.
Robin: I’m a genetic goldmine! No family history of diabetes or heart disease, and everyone has non-porous teeth and perfect eyesight. I had one schizophrenic uncle, but even he had perfect vision ... which was unfortunate for the people around the bell tower he was in.

From “Ted Mosby: Architect” (Season 2):
Barney is trying to convince Ted that his job as an architect is sexy.
Barney: Dude, lots of chicks think that architects are hot. Think about that, you create something out of nothing. You’re like God. There is no one hotter than God.
Ted: I love it when you quote Scripture.

From “First Time in New York” (Season 2):
Robin wants the gang to help her convince her sister not to lose her virginity to a jerk.
Robin: Please? I’m her older sister; I’m supposed to teach her how to make good and responsible decisions.
Lily: It’s two o’clock and you’ve already had three scotch and sodas.
Robin: That's why I need your help!

From “Sandcastles in the Sand” (Season 3):
Barney is consoling Robin, who feels insecure.
Barney: You’re the most awesome person I’ve ever met. Well, second.
Robin: Right, first being you.
Barney: No, actually, it’s this guy I know who lives in something called the mirror. What up?

From “Spoiler Alert” (Season 3):
Everyone is pointing out each other’s flaws, and Ted comments that Lily chews loudly.
Ted: I mean, you got used to Lily’s loud chewing, right?
Marshall: Lily doesn’t chew loudly.
Ted: Dude. This isn’t news. Why do you think I call her Chewbacca?
Marshall: I suspect because she’s loyal, wears shiny belts, and I resemble a young Harrison Ford.

From “Everything Must Go” (Season 3):
Lily is in a very bad mood.
Ted: Hey, how was your day?
Lily: Today I yelled at a little girl for drawing a rainbow.
Ted: A rainbow? Sounds like that bitch had it coming.

From “The Possimpible” (Season 4):
The gang discusses Robin’s popularity as TV personality.
Lily: Wow. You had more fans than I thought.
Ted: And only about 60 percent of them are prison inmates.
Robin: What are these guys thinking? I am way past my “dating prisoners” phase. I mean, hello, I’m not 19 anymore.

From “Old King Clancy” (Season 4):
Ted’s boss has just fired him.
Ted: After he proposed a vocational paradigm shift, I made an impromptu presentation using a four-prong approach which really brought him to his knees.
Barney: You hit him with a chair?
Ted: Yep.
Barney: Good man!

From “Definitions” (Season 5):
Barney is concerned about officially calling Robin his girlfriend.
Barney: How do you keep a girl from becoming your girlfriend? Simple: The rules for girls are the same as Gremlins. Rule number one: Never get them wet. In other words, don’t let her take a shower in your place. Rule number two: Keep them away from sunlight—i.e., don’t ever see them during the day. And rule number three: Never feed them after midnight. Meaning she doesn’t sleep over, and you don’t have breakfast with her, ever.
Ted: What about brunch? Is brunch cool?
Barney: No, Ted, brunch is not cool.

From “Duel Citizenship” (Season 5):
Robin is concerned about becoming a U.S. citizen.
Robin: How do you know the Canadian citizenship test is easy?
Barney: It’s Canada. Question one: Do you want to be Canadian? Question two: Really?

From “Robin 101” (Season 5):
Ted teaches Barney about how to treat Robin well in a relationship.
Ted: Pop quiz: When robin is PMSing, what kind of chocolate should you get her?
Barney: Trick question. Get her butterscotch.
Ted: Correct. Why?
Barney: Butterscotch is to Canadian women what chocolate is to American women.

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