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Best Sheldon Cooper Quotes

The Funniest Lines From the Biggest Nerd on 'The Big Bang Theory'

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Photo courtesy of CBS

Being the biggest nerd on The Big Bang Theory, a sitcom full of some of the biggest nerds ever depicted on TV, is no mean feat, but Sheldon Cooper (Jim Parsons) easily takes the title. The theoretical physicist seems to lack human emotions and a basic understanding of how people behave, but his insistence on logic and reason provides for plenty of amusing predicaments. Never one to hold back from expressing any thought he has, Sheldon is often inadvertently insulting, which can create problems for him but is frequently hilarious. Here’s a look at the best Sheldon Cooper quotes from The Big Bang Theory.

From “The Lizard-Spock Expansion” (Season 2):
Explaining the rules to his expanded version of Rock-Paper-Scissors: “Scissors cuts paper, paper covers rock, rock crushes lizard, lizard poisons Spock, Spock smashes scissors, scissors decapitates lizard, lizard eats paper, paper disproves Spock, Spock vaporizes rock, and as it always has, rock crushes scissors.”

From “The Nerdvana Annihilation” (Season 1):
Describing the scope of an argument: “A little misunderstanding? Galileo and the Pope had a little misunderstanding.”

From “The Big Bran Hypothesis” (Season 1):
Lamenting the natural force preventing him and Leonard from carrying a heavy object: “Ah, gravity—thou art a heartless bitch.”

From “The Jiminy Conjecture” (Season 3):
Protesting his sanity: “I am not crazy; my mother had me tested.”

From “The Gothowitz Deviation” (Season 3):
After trying to condition Penny using rewards of chocolate: “Interesting. Sex works even better than chocolate to modify behavior. I wonder if anyone else has stumbled on to that.”

From “The Jiminy Conjecture” (Season 3):
Insisting he knows what he’s talking about: “Howard, you know me to be a very smart man. Don’t you think that if I were wrong, I’d know it?”

From “The Vegas Renormalization” (Season 2):
Expressing confusion at a common social relationship: “What exactly does that expression mean, ‘friends with benefits’? Does he provide her with health insurance?”

From “The Guitarist Amplification” (Season 3):
Explaining culinary labels: “You can’t make a half sandwich. If it’s not half of a whole sandwich, it’s just a small sandwich.”

From “The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation” (Season 3):
On a group of colleagues who hated him: “They were threatened by my intelligence and too stupid to know that’s why they hated me.”

From “The Friendship Algorithm” (Season 2):
Rationalizing his newly discovered fear: “A fear of heights is illogical. A fear of falling, on the other hand, is prudent and evolutionary.”

From “The Fuzzy Boots Corollary” (Season 1):
Regarding Leonard’s romantic prospects with Penny: “I think that you have as much of a chance of having a sexual relationship with Penny as the Hubble telescope does of discovering at the center of every black hole is a little man with a flashlight searching for a circuit breaker.”

From “The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation” (Season 3):
Interrupting Penny in the throes of her passion for Leonard: “Hello, Penny. I realize you are currently at the mercy of your primitive biological urges. But, as you have an entire lifetime of poor decisions ahead of you, may I interrupt this one?”

From “The Maternal Congruence” (Season 3):
Explaining why he roots for the sun in Frosty the Snowman: “Excuse me, but the sun is essential for all life on Earth. Frosty is merely a bit of frozen, supernatural ephemera in a stolen hat. A crime, by the way, for which he is never brought to account.”

From “The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization” (Season 1):
After Leonard asks him why a letter is in the trash: “Well, there’s always the possibility that a trash can spontaneously formed around the letter, but Occam’s Razor would suggest that someone threw it out.”

From “The Dumpling Paradox” (Season 1):
Outraged at Penny’s video-game prowess: “I don’t know how, but she is cheating! Nobody can be that attractive and this skilled at a video game.”

From “The Pants Alternative” (Season 3):
Telling a joke for nerds: “A neutron walks into a bar and asks how much for a drink. The bartender replies, ‘For you, no charge.’”

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