From “Atlantic City” (Season 2):
Defending his grooming choices: “If there was any shame in a dude getting a pedicure I don’t think there would’ve been a feature about it in Details magazine.”
From “No Tomorrow” (Season 3):
Schooling Ted on the rules of cheating: “Open your brain tank, bro, ’cause here comes some premium 91-octane knowledge. There’s three rules of cheating: 1. It’s not cheating if you’re not the one who’s married. 2. It’s not cheating if her name has two adjacent vowels. 3. And it's not cheating if she’s from a different area code. You’re fine on all three counts.”From “Rebound Bro” (Season 3):
Giving his new friend advice on meeting women: “Now remember my three beginner’s tips for picking up chicks: Address her by name, isolate her from her friends, subtly put her down.”
From “The Rough Patch” (Season 5):
In a taped message recorded over one of his porn videos: “Hello, Ted. If you’re watching this tape—and I knew you’d pick this one—you are now in possession of my porn. This can only mean two things: Either I’m dead, or I’m now in a committed relationship. If I’m dead, I want you to honor my memory by taking my body to the Hamptons and re-creating Weekend at Bernie’s. I wanna dance, I wanna have sex with a girl, and I wanna go fishing. If, on the other hand, I’m in a committed relationship, then as your best friend, I have only one request: Please, for the love of God, GET ME OUT OF THIS!”
From “Last Cigarette Ever” (Season 5):
Justifying his smoking habit: “I am not a smoker. I only smoke in certain situations: post-coital, when I'm with Germans (sometimes those two overlap), coital, birthdays, to annoy my mom, pre-coital, on a sailboat, the day the Mets are mathematically eliminated every year, and, of course—wait for it—’cause Lord knows I have—pregnancy scares.”
