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Best Charlie Kelly Quotes

The Funniest Words of Wisdom From Charlie of 'It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia'

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He’s functionally illiterate, he’s childish and naïve, and he may be a serious sexual deviant. He’s Charlie Kelly (played by Charlie Day), the hilariously dim punching bag on It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, who’s just as amoral as his awful friends, but somehow much more loveable. As dumb as Charlie is, he’s also something of an idiot savant, and every once in a while he achieves a stroke of genius. Check out Charlie’s best brilliant and moronic turns of phrase in this list of the best Charlie quotes from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

From “The Gang Exploits a Miracle” (Season 2):

Preaching to his makeshift congregation: “Here's a confession: I’m in love with a man. What? I’m in love with a man ... a man named God. Does that make me gay? Am I gay for God? You betcha.”

From “The Gang Sells Out” (Season 3):

Panicking about what he’d do if the bar were sold: “Oh, get a job? Just get a job? Why don’t I strap on my job helmet and squeeze down into a job cannon and fire off into job land, where jobs grow on little jobbies?!”

From “Underage Drinking: A National Concern” (Season 1):

Way too caught up in his friendship with high schoolers: “That’s Tammy, Trey’s ex-girlfriend. This is classic Tammy. Trey broke up with Tammy because Maureen Kinallen said that she saw Tammy flirting with Walt Timby at a party, but she was only doing it to make Trey jealous, because, you know, she thought that Trey secretly liked Erin Hannabry, but he doesn’t like Erin Hannabry; it was all a bunch of bull.”

From “America's Next Top Paddy's Billboard Model Contest” (Season 4):

Delivering his version of an exit line: “All right, later dudes. S you in your A’s, don’t wear a C, and J all over your B’s.”

From “Mac Bangs Dennis’ Mom” (Season 2):

Giving Dennis advice on how to deal with Mac having slept with Dennis’ mom: “What are you gonna do, hit him? No, that’s a terrible idea, I’ll tell you why: It doesn’t unbang your mom.”

From “The Gang Finds a Dumpster Baby” (Season 3):

In a note left at the bar: “Taked baby. Meet at later bar, night or day sometime.”

From “Charlie Has Cancer” (Season 1):

Describing his strategy for meeting women: “Look, the girl, she wears a Lance Armstrong bracelet, okay? So I tell you I have cancer, right? Then you’re gonna tell her, she’s going to feel sorry for me, we’re going to start dating, and that’s the way the lie works!”

From “The Aluminum Monster vs. Fatty McGoo” (Season 3):

Explaining his plans to use fashion design to seduce women: “All right, look, I’m just going to walk you through it, so pay attention. Okay, look, the pretty lady gets naked, of course, and I help her into the prototype, yes? My hands sort of guiding along her body making sure that it fits properly. Now the dress is starting to look fantastic, you know? And she feels very excited, she feels very sensual, and I feel very sensual about her because she looks so good. And then, you know, we chit-chat a little bit, no big deal but she asks me back to her place. Where did that come from? I accept, you know? And then we chit-chat at her place, it’s no big deal, but eventually she says, ‘Do you want to make love, Charlie?’”

From “Mac & Dennis: Manhunters” (Season 4):

Hungry for human meat: “Cannibalism? Racism? Dude, that’s not for us ... those decisions are better left to the suits in Washington. We’re just here to eat some dude!”

From “The Gang Dances Their Asses Off” (Season 3):

Talking smack to his rivals in a dance competition: “Let me tell you a little lesson, buddy. The cream always rises to the top. And I’m about to show you the white, hot cream of an eighth-grade boy.”

From “Charlie Goes America All Over Everybody’s Ass” (Season 2):

Improvising a patriotic song: “I’m gonna rise up, I’m gonna to kick a little ass, I’m gonna to kick some ass in the U.S.A., gonna climb a mountain, gonna sew a flag, gonna fly on an eagle. I’m gonna kick some butt, I’m gonna drive a big truck, I’m gonna rule this world, I’m gonna kick some ass, I’m gonna rise up, I’m gonna kick a little ass. ROCK, FLAG and EAGLE!!”

From “The Waitress is Getting Married” (Season 5):

Ordering in a fancy restaurant: “Yes, my good man, I’ll have the milk steak, boiled over hard, and your finest jelly beans ... raw.”
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