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The Best Dwight Schrute Quotes

The Funniest and Weirdest Proclamations From Dwight of 'The Office'

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On The Office, Dwight Schrute (played by Rainn Wilson) is the resident creepily intense sociopath, taking his work at the Dunder Mifflin paper company far more seriously than anyone ever should. His obsession with competition, his complete humorlessness, his relentless suck-upitude and his disturbing home life all provide fodder for the best Dwight Schrute quotes from The Office.

From “Diversity Day” (Season 1):

Explaining his definition of a hero: “A hero kills people, people that wish him harm. A hero is part human and part supernatural. A hero is born out of a childhood trauma, or out of a disaster, that must be avenged.”

From “Health Care” (Season 1):

Dismissing the idea of employer-funded health care: “In the wild, there is no health care. In the wild, health care is, ‘Ow, I hurt my leg. I can't run. A lion eats me. I'm dead.’ Well, I’m not dead. I’m the lion. You’re dead.”

From “Booze Cruise” (Season 2):

On his early accomplishments: “I was the youngest pilot in Pan Am history. When I was four, the pilot let me ride in the cockpit and fly the plane with him. And I was four, and I was great, and I would have landed it, but my dad wanted us to go back to our seats.”

From “The Secret” (Season 2):

On his skills as an investigator: “As a volunteer sheriff’s deputy I’ve been doing surveillance for years. One time I suspected an ex-girlfriend of mine of cheating on me, so I tailed her for six nights straight. Turns out ... she was. With a couple of guys, actually ... so. Mystery solved.”

From “Michael’s Birthday” (Season 2):

Explaining why he didn’t tip a food-delivery guy: “Why tip someone for a job I’m capable of doing myself? I can deliver food. I can drive a taxi. I can, and do, cut my own hair. I did, however, tip my urologist, because I am unable to pulverize my own kidney stones.”

From “The Coup” (Season 3):

Analyzing Michael’s love life: “Ever since Michael dumped Jan for Carol, Jan’s been bitching out on him. Reject a woman, and she will never let it go. One of the many defects of their kind. Also, weak arms.”

From “Grief Counseling” (Season 3):

Describing his indestructibility: “When my mother was pregnant with me, they did an ultrasound and found she was having twins. When they did another ultrasound a few weeks later, they discovered that I had reabsorbed the other fetus. Do I regret this? No, I believe his tissue has made me stronger. I now have the strength of a grown man and a little baby.”

From “Money” (Season 4):

After his break-up with Angela: “My girlfriend and I broke up recently. And I must say, I am relieved. Gives me a chance to sow my wild oats. In the Schrute family, we have a tradition, where when the male has sex with another woman, he is rewarded with a bag of wild oats left on his doorstep by his parents. You can use these oats to make oatmeal, bread, whatever you want. I don't care—they’re your oats.”

From “Goodbye, Toby” (Season 4):

Anticipating the arrival of a new HR person: “Hazing is a fun way to show a new employee that she is not welcome or liked.”

From “Baby Shower” (Season 5):

Touting his childcare prowess: “Babies are one of my many areas of expertise. Growing up I performed my own circumcision.”
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