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10 Best Michael Scott Quotes

The Funniest Things Said by Michael Scott on 'The Office'

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Despite being insensitive, oblivious and quite possibly the worst boss of all time, The Office’s Michael Scott is kind of endearing. As played by Steve Carell, he’s like an overgrown, desperate-to-please child, and the things he says are often simultaneously appalling and appealing. Take a look through some of Michael’s most cringe-inducing comments and hilariously clueless lines in this list of the best Michael Scott quotes from The Office.

From “Pilot” (Season 1):

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Detailing his accomplishments: “My proudest moment here wasn’t when I increased profits by 17 percent, or cut expenditures without losing a single member of staff. No, no, no. It was a young Guatemalan guy, first job in the country, barely spoke a word of English, but he came to me and said, ‘Mr. Scott, will you be the godfather to my child?’ Didn’t work out in the end. We had to let him go. He sucked.”

From “Sexual Harassment” (Season 2):

Excusing his forwarding of inappropriate e-mails: “When I said that I was king of forwards, you’ve got to understand that I don’t come up with this stuff. I just forward it along. You wouldn’t arrest a guy who was just passing drugs from one guy to another.”

From “Boys and Girls” (Season 2):

Declaring his egalitarian attitudes: “You may look around and see two groups here: white collar, blue collar. But I don’t see it that way, and you know why not? Because I am collar-blind.”

From “The Convention” (Season 3):

Lamenting Jim’s decision to change jobs: “I was shocked when he told me he was transferring to Stamford. It’s like with fireman: You don’t leave your brothers behind. Even if you find out that there is a better fire in Connecticut.”

From “Diwali” (Season 3):

Explaining the office Diwali celebration: “Tonight, one of our most ethnic co-workers, Kelly, has invited us all to a Diwali celebration put on by her community. ‘What is Diwali?’ you may ask. Well, to have Kelly explain it, ‘It’s blah, blah, blah, blah. It’s so super fun, and it’s gonna be great!’ Lot of gods with unpronounceable names. Twenty minutes later, you find out that it is essentially a Hindu Halloween.”

From “The Return” (Season 3):

Proclaiming his status as a man of the people: “I don’t want somebody sucking up to me because they think I am going to help their career. I want them sucking up to me because they genuinely love me.”

From “Money” (Season 4):

Musing about his financial situation: “Yes, money has been a little tight lately. But, at the end of my life, when I’m sitting on my yacht, am I gonna be thinking about how much money I have? No. I’m going to be thinking about how many friends I have, and my children, and my comedy albums. I mean, I have a yacht, so I obviously did pretty well money-wise.”

From “Dinner Party” (Season 4):

Finally getting fed up with Jan: “When I said that I wanted to have kids and you said that you wanted me to have a vasectomy, what did I do? And then, when you said that you might want to have kids and I wasn’t so sure, who had the vasectomy reversed? And then when you said you definitely didn’t want to have kids, who had it reversed back? Snip snap snip snap snip snap! I did! You have no idea the physical toll that three vasectomies have on a person! And I bought this condo to fill with children!”

From “Baby Shower” (Season 5):

Trying to articulate his feelings about babies: “I love babies. I think they are beautiful in all sorts of different ways. I try to pick up and hold a baby every day, if possible, because it nourishes me. It feeds my soul. Babies are drawn to me. And I think it’s because they see me as one of them. But ... cooler and with my life put together a little bit more. If a baby were president, there would be no taxes. There would be no war. There would be no ... government, and ... things could get terrible. And actually probably it would be a better screenplay idea than a serious suggestion.”

From “The Duel” (Season 5):

Putting forth a completely confused vision of life: “My philosophy is basically this. And this is something that I live by. And I always have. And I always will. Don't ever, for any reason, do anything to anyone, for any reason, ever, no matter what. No matter ... where. Or who, or who you are with, or where you are going, or ... or where you've been ... ever. For any reason, whatsoever.”
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