Weekend Update Quotes
Weekend Update Co-Anchors: Tina Fey and Amy Poehler
Tina Fey: "Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad announced Tuesday that his country has quote, 'joined the club of nuclear countries.' He added, 'What's more, I'm not just a member of the club, I'm the crazy president."
Tina Fey: "During his announcement, Ahmadinejad asserted that the enriched uranium will not be used for nuclear weapons but for nuclear energy. Finally! Iran will never have to rely on its own massive oil reserves ever again!"
Amy Poehler: "President Bush on Friday rebuffed calls from a widening circle of retired generals that he replace Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld. Said the President, 'It's time for our generals to stop meddling in military affairs.'"
Amy Poehler: "The Los Angeles Department of Children and Family Services visited the home of Britney Spears and Kevin Federline after their baby Sean Preston reportedly fell out of his high chair. Spears defended herself, saying 'It wasn't our fault, our baby was drunk, y'all."
Tina Fey: "The Jewish holiday of Passover began at sundown Wednesday. Jews all over the world gathered at Seder tables and asked the traditional question: 'Deal or No Deal?'"
Tina Fey: "McDonald's is preparing to launch a campaign to counter the bad press expected to come with the release of a movie based on the book 'Fast Food Nation.' Unfortunately, the campaign will be undermined by McDonald's 'Bacon Sundae Salad.'"
Tina Fey: "Lifetime Television will air reruns of 'Desperate Housewives' starting in August. Though it will now be called, 'Desperate Housewives: Murder in Suburbia: The Mary Alice Young Story.'"
Amy Poehler: "A French woman is attempting to become the first person ever to windsurf across the Indian Ocean. It will be the first stunt like this since 2004, when John Kerry windsurfed his way out of the Presidency."
Amy Poehler: "It was reported that actors Maggie Gyllenhaal and Peter Sarsgaard are expecting their first child. A small, independently produced child."
Tina Fey: "A group of ultra-Orthodox Jewish hackers are waging a war against porn Web sites by replacing the content with a single photo of the late rabbi Menachem Schneerson. Which sends away millions of web porn-surfers, although you know there's gotta be one guy who sees this and is like, 'Jackpot!'"
Tina Fey: "This week Winnie the Pooh was given a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. As usual, he was half-naked and wasted on OxyContin. In a related story, Eeyore has killed himself."
Amy Poehler: "The Kentucky Derby this year will offer a 1,000 dollar mint julep drink, which will be served in a gold-plated cup with a silver straw. Or for 800 dollars, I'll sell you a T-shirt that says 'I'm An A-Hole.'"
Amy Poehler: "It was announced this week that for the first time, the Latin Grammy Awards will be held in New York, while the Jewish Grammys will be held in Puerto Vallarta."
Amy Poehler: "Hugh Hefner celebrated his 80th birthday last Saturday. Which means Hef is finally at a stage in his life where spending all day in his pajamas is age-appropriate."
Tina Fey: "In good news on Friday, Molly, an 11-month-old cat was rescued from behind the basement wall of a Greenwich Village deli, where she had been trapped for 12 days...making the egg salad."
Tina Fey: "At a high school in Canton, Ohio during the 2004-2005 school year, 64 out of nearly 500 girls became pregnant, and this year, nine girls showed up on the first day of school already pregnant. This may seem kind of drastic, but I think it's time for this school to start teaching my controversial advice book for teenage girls called, 'Your Mouth Can't Get Pregnant.'"
